No Fair! Kevin Had His Growth Spurt and Now He’s 45 Feet Tall

This stinks. Ever since Kevin hit puberty over the summer, it’s like he literally rules our eighth-grade class, just because he’s grown into a hulking 45-foot-tall colossus.

Last year Kevin and I were like, best friends, playing Mario Kart together and dreaming of the day we’d crack five foot three, start wearing deodorant, and need to shave. Then summer goes by, Kevin hits his growth spurt, and now he won’t hang out because he’s too busy rampaging across campus?

The first day of school was so embarrassing. My voice was still high like my sister’s, but then Kevin said, “Hey guys,” and it was so loud and deep. Everyone turned. I was like, “Whoa, something’s changed—Kevin’s voice sounds like Dad’s. Except it cracks walls and sets off car alarms, and also he accidentally stepped on a school bus.”

It’s not fair. When will I hit my growth spurt?

Even the adults treat him differently now, he gets away with everything. Like yesterday, Kevin was totally talking during History. But Mr. Harrison didn’t even give him detention, just kept begging him not to stand up and smash through the classroom ceiling.

And we both used to be benchwarmers in JV basketball, but now Coach lets him play any position he wants just because he can dunk from across the court. Looks like I wasted my summer learning how to dribble between my legs.

Plus, the lunch lady gives him an extra taco just because he “needs 26,000 calories a day to support his gargantuan frame.”

And of course he gets all the attention from the popular girls, too. It’s like Kevin’s all they ever talk about: “Look, there’s Kevin,” “Wow, Kevin’s so tall now,” “Kevin’s stomping this way, run for your lives,” and so on.

Also, he knew I had a crush on Amy, but he still put her in his shirt pocket and carried her onto the roof of the mall. She was so busy screaming about Kevin she didn’t even notice I started gelling my hair.

I’m still scrawny, but Kevin’s shoulders are so broad now, even under that smock made of old circus tents. I’m going to start doing twenty pushups a night before bed until I can rip telephone poles out of the concrete.

Also, not to be gross, but now his body has all this… hair. I saw after PE. He reached up to snatch a helicopter out of the air, and his armpits were all hairy and full of hawk nests.

And even though Kevin was my friend since second grade, now suddenly everyone in town is obsessed with him. The scientists at the FEMA command post, Doctor Benson from the UN, all those Army guys that follow him everywhere. It’s like, do they even play Mario Kart?

He even got to go on TV! CNN, MSNBC, Al-Jazeera, the BBC, they’re all following him around with camera crews and being so dramatic: “We’re here live from the nightmarish scene,” “Americans have woken up to a shattered reality,” “Dear God, there it is, the abomination!” blah blah blah. And yet, did no one even read my interview in the student newspaper when I aced the PSAT?

I tried to talk to Kevin, but it’s just so awkward for guys to be open about these feelings. I want to tell him so much about how insecure and scared I am. But he always acts like he’s “too busy” fighting giant alien cockroaches and throwing cruise missiles back out to sea.

On the bright side, at least now there’s someone in class who can stand up to Rachel, who’s been 38 feet tall since fifth grade.

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