Job Listings, Translated

“Candidates should be comfortable with ambiguity.”

Translation: We have no idea what’s going on, so you’ll be responsible for figuring out what you do here.

“We are mostly a hybrid workforce, but will also consider full-time remote positions.”

Translation: We will not consider full-time remote positions.

“You’ll join us in-person three days a week in our newly updated workspace!”

Translation: Our office is entirely wall-free and features a very limited chip selection and single flavor of LaCroix. You’ll be sharing a desk with “Dirty Doug.”

“Salary is commensurate with experience and qualifications.”

Translation: The pay is low. VERY low. Like, intern-level low.

“Applicants should have a strong interest in technology.”

Translation: Your boss is going to expect you to use the fax machine.

“The candidate must be able to commit to working 50 hours a week.”

Translation: Assume you will be on call at all times—including nights, weekends, and during your own wedding.

“You will work closely with cross-functional teams, including project managers, developers, quality assurance, SMEs and others.”

Translation: We expect you to do four people’s work for one person’s salary.

“We’re looking for a self-managed problem solver who is independent and can work with minimal supervision.”

Translation: Your manager will be completely inept (see: fax machine).

“Candidates should have the ability to perform in a fast-paced work environment.”

Translation: All of our mid-level employees have insomnia and have gone prematurely gray.

“To carry out our mission, we are seeking candidates who appreciate collaboration and can anticipate the needs of others.”

Translation: You’ll be expected to help your boomer boss when they forget their email password.

“If you have a passion for your work, an inquisitive nature, and a pride in exceeding the expectations others have set for you—this may be just the place you’ve been looking for.”

Translation: There’s Kool-Aid in the break room.

“You should have experience in a B2B or SaaS setting.”

Translation: We’re not sure what this company does. If you figure it out, keep it to yourself.

“You’ll have the opportunity to dive in and make a direct impact company-wide.”

Translation: There’s a Hatfield vs. McCoy-type rivalry in the Marketing department, and you’ll have to take a side immediately.

“You will use AI to generate content, facilitate verification of AI-generated content, and transform the content.”

Translation: A computer will have your job in approximately six months.

“We embrace creativity, foster teamwork, and champion inclusiveness.”

Translation: Our HR Director just got back his 23andMe results and they revealed he’s 0.1% Native American.

“We’re looking for motivated individuals interested in driving strategic growth by joining our rapidly expanding company!”

Translation: We’re about to do a mass layoff.

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