I Am Proof That Neuralink Works!

Science has produced a major breakthrough: the human brain can now be linked with cutting-edge technology, all by using a small, simple device implanted in the brain. But rather than celebrate this breakthrough, far too many are questioning its ethics and safety.

No one is in a better position than I am to dispel these criticisms: currently, as part of the human trials at Neuralink, the neuroscience company owned by Elon Musk, I have one of the company’s devices implanted in my head. And even though I’m constantly trying to remove it in my sleep, I love my Neuralink!

Neuralink’s primary purpose is to let me interface with a computer by just using my mind. For it to work, all I have to do is think of how I want the cursor on the screen to move. Then the cursor moves, and I black out for an hour. When I wake up later in an ambulance with a block of ice cooling my head, then I know I’m ready to get back to the lab, relearn my name and details of my life, and move that cursor once more. And again, just by using my mind!

Living with the device in my head presents little to no challenges. It’s so small that I can barely feel it beneath all the swelling under my hair. And so far, the implant seems to be killing tumors faster than it can make them. Plus, since the device means I don’t have to physically use any tech, it leaves my hands free to touch my face to make sure I’m still real, and to swat at the bees that are now constantly drawn to the top of my head.

In fact, the device is so effective that the lab has even taught a monkey with a Neuralink in its brain to play the computer game Pong with its mind. Frankly, I’m tired of hearing about how good the monkey is at Pong compared to me (of course he’s going to improve: he’s a monkey, he can only get better!). But it just goes to show you the amazing advances this technology is capable of.

Have I lost anything by having a Neuralink in my brain? There’s some sacrifice, I’m sure. Only a small percentage of my thoughts currently are what I would consider “mine,” the rest are wordless pulses that compel me to dig deep holes to hide from the bees, and now lightning too, which I am struck by at least once a week.

Also, according to X-rays, vast sections of my brain have been converted to foam. I can’t for the life of me picture what feet are. And I need reminders that I didn’t need before that I am not dead.

But If anything, I now live a more enhanced life, I suppose you could say. Colors seem to taste a little louder. I’m much more present and in the moment, since I can’t make new memories anymore. My focus and alertness has increased, thanks to a steady stream of stress hormones circulating in my body from having a foreign object in my brain. And I confuse getting wet with catching on fire—so yes, I’m living my best life!

Above all, I know that I’m part of a groundbreaking project to transform the human race. In the future, Neuralink will let us surf the internet just by thinking about it and bleeding from our eyes. But more immediately, Neuralink may soon help people regain their ability to see or to walk. I’m fortunate that I don’t need a Neuralink for that reason. But when I die, my Neuralink will remain active, and a Pong-playing monkey will be able to access it and control my lifeless body. Then we’ll see who’s the best Pong player in the lab!

In all, I’m lucky to be part of these trials. When a self-driving Tesla self-drove over me last summer, I faced a choice: let the car hit me again and have my corpse disappeared by Tesla’s legal team, or join Neuralink’s human trials. And now look at me: lightning can strike me indoors, and I can think about cursors with the best of them.

And it’s all thanks to a small microchip under the top of my skull that swarms of bees are desperate to pollinate. A future where everyone has a Neuralink that augments their brain and melts their scalp is just on the horizon!

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