Help! Please don’t click the “skip” button just yet! I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your viewing of the video “LOUDEST GRUNTS IN WOMEN’S TENNIS VOL 6,” but I desperately need your help!
I, His Majesty the King, have become inexplicably trapped inside a grotesque prison of suffering, where I’m most certain to meet an unseemly doom once the room fills with the green toxic sludge pouring from that pipe in the wall!
That is unless you can summon enough courage, strength, and wisdom to open the app store on your mobile device, download this game, and begin arranging blocks according to color and shape. It’s the only way! What say you, brave sir? Do you have what it takes to save your king from a hideous death? It’s free to download.
Splendid! Let’s get going!
Yes, good, just like that. Simply slide the yellow crown shape to the left to swap places with the red block, and huzzah! The line of blocks disappears and my safety is that much closer. Keep going, my humble servant, keep going!
I say, taking a little long deciding on your next move, don’t you think?
I mean, shit, I’m seeing at least five different moves you could make right now. Like the blue shield there. Move that over just one space and the entire row will, no, the blue shield, I said the blue shield. Yes, the fucking blue one right there. Just move that and– Argh, no! What the hell, are you stupid or something?!
Ok, ok, sorry. I didn’t mean that. Your king is just feeling the heat from the acidic goo pooling around his legs—quite the virulent hazard! Let us reset and focus. Sorry.
Now then, grab the red block and slide it down one space. Yep, the red one. Slide it down. Nope, down, not up. Down. Down. You’re not fucking listening to me! I said DOWN, you backwards candy ass!
Ahem.
Look, we all make mistakes. Even I, your king, occasionally say things I don’t mean. We still buds?
Good, because now the room is on fire, and the only way to get water in here is by connecting these pieces of hose. Take a deep breath. You got this.
Oh, fuck me. You immediately do NOT got this. You are equally as bad, if not worse, at this than the block thing. I’m going to burn alive because of you. I’m literally going to fucking melt because you have the mind of a goddamn toddler. Seriously, did someone hit you on the head with a hammer?
Yes, I KNOW the game forces you to watch a ton of ads! Why do you think it was free in the first place?! Idiot!
Just do as I say. Grab that hose and connect it to the next one. Good, good! That’s my good boy. Ok, now grab the piece to the left of it. The left of it. Your left. Your other left. Don’t grab another piece, grab the piece I’m talking about. Yes, the one on the left. Not that one. Not that one, either! Dammit, what’s wrong with you!? Even empty-eyed animals covered in their own make can recognize basic colors and shapes! You couldn’t even recognize your own stupid face in a mirror, you absolute shit! You total shit for brains!!! You absolute shit ass, shitty, shit head, fuckin, shitty asshole shit for brains!!!
…
Huh. Look at that. You connected one. Wow, and another. Mercy me, you’re doing it! You’re completing the puzzle! Oh, my sweet, sweet boy, you extinguished the fire and saved me from death! Bless you, child!
Wait—what’s this? I’ve been spared, only to find myself in yet another dungeon of carnal horrors? And now a wall covered with huge, electrically charged drill bits is slowly closing in on me?!
Help, brave sir, help! I, His Majesty the King, will surely be impaled, electrocuted, and crushed unless you make an in-app purchase of 100 power-up coins by tapping the shop icon and entering a default payment method! Hurry!
No, the shop icon. You have to go back to the home screen, so just, nope, that’s the settings. What are you doing? I said don’t go to settings. Don’t. DON’T!
Ah, fuck.
