Here at Uber, we pride ourselves on the highly-rated drivers we offer. But have you ever wondered, “What about the lower-rated drivers? How bad could they be? If I could save a few bucks, I’d give them a shot.”
Today we’re introducing Uber Bargain Bin, where less discriminating riders like you can save up to 40% on lightly damaged drivers. They’re like that shirt in the discount rack whose price seems too good to be true—just a little off.
Here are some of our featured discount drivers in your neighborhood. Go to the Uber app, toggle the Bargain setting, and start saving!
Dave (3.9)
Dave is one of the best drivers on the road. He’s punctual, courteous, drives a BMW, follows all the rules, and provides free water and USB charging. His low rating is primarily due to his nonstop farting. In eight years driving, he’s had only one passenger fatality, and Dave has been providing carbon monoxide masks ever since. If you have COVID, Dave is an unbeatable deal.
Jethro (3.2)
Jethro’s AM radio dial is tuned to the KQAN Conspiracy Theory station. In his mind, the moon landing was faked but aliens from Nebula are in charge of the FDA. If you love Taylor Swift, you will definitely want to keep that to yourself.
Shaniqua (2.9)
Shaniqua is a life coach. When she asks, “What’s your destination?” she doesn’t mean on this trip; she’s talking about your life’s journey. By the end of the ride, you’ll receive a custom plan to optimize your diet, sex life, and financial independence, whether you want one or not. Several riders have complained that Shaniqua’s analogies contain spoilers for recent hit movies.
Kareem (2.4)
Your trip may take longer than expected due to Kareem’s extreme fear of wildlife. When his GPS says “bear left” or “bear right,” Kareem panics, pulls over, and assumes a fetal position. The time to your destination is not helped by the fact that, for reasons no one quite understands, Kareem drives a cement truck. If you’re in a hurry or live on a narrow street, consider another driver.
Timmy (2.7)
Timmy is a 16-year-old who just got his learner’s permit. His mom sits in the passenger seat and provides gentle encouragement. He brakes a lot, so don’t eat a big meal before the ride. Timmy does best with a flat route and few left turns. Driving uphill, he tends to close his eyes and scream “Oh my God, oh my God!”
John (not his real name) (3.2)
Most of John’s rides are smooth and comfortable. But if you hear police sirens, get ready for the ride of your life, since John is an escaped convict who isn’t taking any chances.
Scott and Tammy (2.0)
Scott and Tammy are some of the most friendly, outgoing people you will ever meet. That said, you may want to bring a plastic seat cover as this nudist, 60-something couple drives the only known clothing-optional Uber. You can remain clothed, though Tammy may gently roast your fashion sense. If they like you, they will invite you to their commune where you can preview the coming naked revolution where the “prudetariet” (Scott’s term) are liberated from the shackles of their clothing. Seriously, bring a seat cover.
Janet (1.3)
Auto maintenance has never been a big priority for Janet, whose long-suffering 2002 Mitsubishi is in need of some TLC, according to many rider reviews. A helmet is recommended since the shocks are so blown out that going over a pothole can lead to a concussion. The rear seatbelts broke years ago and were replaced by bungee cords. Which you’ll definitely want to use to strap yourself in, since the right door doesn’t completely close.
Mike (2.9)
Mike is well-dressed and an outstanding conversationalist. Moreover, your ride is free, with one catch. You have to put down a refundable $20 deposit and listen to a 60-minute timeshare presentation. (Several past riders mentioned the presentation was closer to 90 minutes.) If you pass on the timeshare, Mike will try to sell you his car instead. In the end, you’ll get the deposit back but still feel like you paid too much for the ride.
Aimee (3.6)
The popular ’90s singer-songwriter plays her albums in a loop and tells all her passengers about that time she did a maid gig for two ingratiating fans in Portland. Aimee’s not too concerned about her rating since she’s mainly doing this to sell merch.
Boris (3.8)
Most rides with Boris are pleasant and uneventful. However, a small number of riders have mentioned that in the middle of the ride he suddenly stopped, exited the car, emptied his revolver on a pedestrian, and got back in. If this happens during your trip, your next ride is free. Best to avoid questions like, “Are you in the Russian mafia?” Or any questions, really.
