Top 50 Fun Things To Do In an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers….
Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood
WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their…
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” T-Shirts for Those with Partial Ancestry
Lean in, meet my gaze, but then pull away and say it’s getting late, I’m three-quarters Irish Go on two dates with me that seem to go…
Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Term Limits
While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on…
Iconic Artist Of ‘Huge Titty Lois Griffin’ Sadly Remains Unrecognized In His Lifetime
TOLEDO, OH—Toiling in obscurity on his cartoon porn adaptations, Aaron Metzler, the iconic artist of Huge Titty Lois Griffin, sadly remains unrecognized in his lifetime, sources confirmed…
Syllabus for Zombie Apocalypse Survival 101
Instructor: Alex “Axe-Man” RodriguezInstructor Qualifications: Head Scavenger of SoCal Survivors, B.S. in Biology, Minor in Psychology, grew up on a farm, zombie kill count: 98Phone/Email: UnavailableOffice Hours:…
France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25
French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to…
Union-Busting Manager Graciously Accepts Pay Cut Because Boss Knows Best
INDIANAPOLIS—Acknowledging the sage decision by the people at the top, union-busting manager Dale Lynskey told reporters Tuesday that he graciously accepted a pay cut because his boss…
White House Now Just Saying That Biden 52
WASHINGTON—Hoping to allay voters’ concerns about the president’s age, officials at the White House are now just saying that Joe Biden is 52 years old, sources confirmed…